An Encounter

The conference went as planned. The presentation from Anuja’s team got a lot of attention and applause. It was a tiring day, the change in schedule and the polite conversation that was demanded of her, took a lot out of Anuja. After the lunch she decided to take a small nap before joining back in, for the evening banquet. She excused herself from her team and walked towards the elevator to go up to her room on the twelfth floor.
The hotel was in a beautiful location and the open corridor had potted plants on both sides. The petunias and the daisies displayed magnificent colors. She stood for a moment to admire the flowers and while glancing at the rose bush, at a distance, for some reason she was forced to look towards the elevators.
Is it really Vijay?? The tall handsome man in a safari suit walked towards her. She felt a sudden sway and could feel the blood rushing towards her head. She did not have any time to hide.
Vijay walked with his usual big strides and walked right into her space. His brashness used to be a quality that held great attraction for her. She was not aware that he was here, he had met his colleagues and had restrained herself from asking about him, Why open the pandora’s box again?
“Hey Anu, you did an amazing job with the presentation”
Her throat felt parched, she always used to feel embarrassed about her highly emotional self. It didn’t take a lot, to get her to be teary or to throw in a fit. She felt herself staring at Vijay but not saying anything. He has started to grey at the sides, she observed.
“Oh come on Anu, how are you doing?? You won’t talk to me??”
Anu looked at him with her wide eyes and felt like time was standing still.
“Well , you may not have wanted to see me here. How long has it been Anu”
“Ten years”
“ well someone kept count” Vijay laughed gently and then looked away. “Hope you are not busy, let us sit somewhere and talk, I know that the morning sessions are done . You may not be interested in the flaky sessions planned for the afternoon”
Their past together came back like a reel of movie in fast forward. Vijay was the first man who was not afraid of her intellect and intensity. Their relationship remained platonic centered around discussions on the ills of the world and sustainable development for a long time , but somewhere along the line passion and desire crept in which lead to a whirlwind of romance which had thrown her off, her feet. It was wonderful at the time and she had a feeling of perpetual drunkenness emanating from sheer pleasure.
“Anu, you can’t possibly have one of those throat infections now. I heard you talk loud and clear this morning”
“ Good memory, I am impressed, how are you doing Vijay”?? Anu shook herself out of the thought spin
“ how can I possibly forget anything about you, You look stunning in that blue sari, I see that you haven’t changed your hair much”
In these ten years was there a single day when she did not think about him. She thought about Vijay even when she was with Rajesh, she had wondered how Ameya would have looked if she had, had her with Vijay, would she have got Vijay’s big stride and wide smile?? She had tried to catch up with his latest projects on the net and did keep an ear out for news about him, all these ten years.
“Come on Anu, let us sit somewhere and talk”
Vijay had started walking and Anu followed him as if in a daze. She always knew that he held a grip on her unlike any other person in the world.
“I had requested the hotel to rent me one of the cabins at the back , was planning to work on my book while I was here. Let us go in and talk” Vijay said
“NO, I am not coming in, let us get one of the tables near the lake”
“Why Anu, are you now afraid of me , or are you afraid of yourself”
“ I am not afraid of anything, just thought some fresh air would be good”
“ Okay, then let me get a couple of beers from the cabin, we are free till the dinner anyway”
“ No Vijay, I will just go for some water, was planning to nap in my room, I will have to get going soon”
Vijay’s eyes hovered around her face for a bit and slowly he pushed a lock of her hair back into the pony tail. She felt his magnetism and felt dizzy at the awareness that his touch still held the magic, that she vividly remembered. She ached to hug him and kiss his lips. It suddenly felt like ten years of in between, never happened. She distinctly remembered their first kiss in the quiet corner of the library, the black skirt with blue flowers all around that she was wearing, his white golf T shirt with a missing button. She could even recall the smell of old books strewn around.
They sat at the table beside the lake.
“ how is uncle and Aunty” Vijay asked.
Her mother had a fondness for Vijay and did think that they would make a good pair. But dad would hear none of that, marrying a “ thyrusadam” that is what he called Vijay. Dad was afraid that his daughter would be stuck in one of the agraharams in Madhurai and all the money he had spent so far on educating her would go to waste.
“dad died three years ago, amma is living alone in Palakkad”
“ Oh , sorry about your dad, I had been getting some news of yours from Chetana, but she also moved from Madras recently. But I knew that you would be here for the conference, which is why I came” vijay said as if talking to himself.
“Oh…..”
Silence was bordered by the sounds of waves
“ Did you …..marry”Anu asked
“yes, but did not work out. She moved to the UK some time back. Thankfully there wasn’t a big fight. She knew that I didn’t have much money to give as alimony, so it worked out okay”
Hmmmmm
“ how is rajesh and your daughter, what is her name”
“ Ameya”
Thankfully Vijay did not bring up the fact that it was a name that he had picked for a daughter they may one day have had, but he looked at her with his sad eyes.
She had suggested that name rather fondly to Rajesh when they were expecting , thankfully he had agreed instantly, he is not one to fight for anything.
“ she is only seven” Anu added swiftly
Vijay laughed out and said, don’t worry anu, I had never wondered whether she was mine. I knew that you were way smarter than that”
Anu gazed at the lake and the gentle waves hitting the banks. Things would have been so different if she had taken a different decision ten years ago. She could not stand up to her stubborn and controlling father ,but she also added to her thoughts, she now has a caring and devoted husband. Wealth, house, prestige and money. With Vijay and his ways, she may have had just “Love” and that too for how long.
“Anu, are you happy with Rajesh?? I can’t stop thinking about you, I tried , believe me I did. which is why Thanushree left”
Silence was overwhelming, so she asked as an after thought
“was she a Bengali”??
“ Oh yes, Thanushree Banerjee, she is now teaching in London”
“Let me go to my room Vijay, I am tired”
“ you don’t have anything to talk to me Anu?? You don’t think about me”
Could she have brought up the endless times she had googled his name and read his articles, his activism, the criticisms against him. How about the nights when she looked at the full moon to fondly remember the poems he used to narrate to her. She used to feel so beautiful, he could make her feel pretty, any time, any place.
“ Vijay, there is no point in talking about it now, we are way past all that”
“ Really, I can see it in your eyes that it is not all past, I hope that you know how I feel, I think of you every day, every second”
Anu got up and walked towards the back entrance of the hotel. She walked as if in a daze nodding to people she met on the way. The minute she reached her room she called Rajesh, he talked to her about work and how Ameya was playing with their dog “puppy” . She realized that his voice did not have the same pull for her, there was no magnetism as in Vijay’s voice. She felt guilty and dirty, she was already an adulteress in her mind. She took a long shower, watched the warm water flow through her body
She sat by the window and gazed at the lake. Her thoughts flickered back to her days with Vijay, how the rest of the world had seemed irrelevant at the time except when her dad stood like a brick wall between them. Why did it matter so much to her? Was she afraid of walking out with a penniless activist who had nothing else to give , other than passionate poems and dreams of an utopian world. She had moved away from developmental activism and got comfortable with arm chair discussions about the world, but seeing Vijay again stirred emotions which lay dormant for the past ten years.
She was dreading the fact that she will be meeting Vijay again at the dinner. She wore her light purple dress to the dinner with dark purple shoes to match. She decided to leave her hair loose , the way Vijay liked it, but then decided to tie it up..
The party room was huge and was decorated beautifully. She tried to get involved in conversations with the sponsors of the conference and other delegates from across the world, but she found it very hard to focus. Her colleagues wondered if she was okay and she made excuses.
“ You look stunning, but you should have let your hair loose”. His voice shook her out of the reverie and those eyes pierced right through. Vijay looked great in his suit. When the others joined in they had a chat about the education programs in the rural community and programs on domestic violence. Vijay and Anu did not contribute much . She had to try very hard to keep her gaze from falling on him, but felt his eyes right on her the whole time.
Thankfully they were seated at two ends of the room. Food was served by well attired waiters but Anu had a hard time eating. Her stomach churned and ached and she wanted to turn and look at Vijay to see whether he was looking at her.
When the live music program started at the end of the meal she felt a slight touch on her hand.
Vijay asked the rest of the table whether she could be excused for a private discussion on future projects. A couple of her table mates objected and commented that she had worked hard for this event and that she should be having a break. Anu excused herself and they walked out nodding their heads or smiling at everyone they knew.
The air outside was chilly. Darkness still had not crept in. They walked silently towards the table where they had sat this morning. They looked at each other.
“Anu come with me, please”
She did not respond. She looked at him
Vijay moved to a chair closer to her and took her hand. He turned her wedding ring around a few times. Anu pulled her hand back.
“ Please Anu, let us start over again”
Tears welled up and was flowing down her cheeks. Feelings which were tightly restrained for years came out like a massive surge. His hands encircled her and his lips moved all over her face with a passion beyond anything she had known, for years. She felt wanted.
Her cell phone rang, she pushed Vijay back and got the phone from her small purse. It was Ameya wishing her good night and wondering how the day went. She had to lie to her daughter that she had a cold when she asked about her sniffles. Ameya warned her against drinking anything cold, which is what she used to tell her daughter, when she suffers from a cold.
She kept her phone back in the purse and looked into Vijays longing eyes.
“ I can’t Vijay, I know I love you and that no one can replace you in my heart, but I can’t put Ameya through it”
It was Vijay’s turn to cry, Anu had never seen him cry even when she asked him to leave ten years ago from her parents’s home.
“ Vijay, I am going to be forty years old, it is too late to start over”\
She felt herself choking up, when she stood up Vijay tried to bury himself into her breasts. She pushed him back once again and walked . Thankfully she did not meet many people on the way as the music program was still going on. She sat at a rock closest to the lake, the chilliness in the air shook her. She must have sat there for hours or may be minutes. Can she really say good bye to Vijay, once again.
She walked back to Vijay’s cabin and knocked at his door, he was thrilled to see her .
“Vijay, I can’t give myself to you for the rest of my life but I want you for this night. I am tired of being, the responsible good girl” She sank into his strong arms and cried.
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