A good Bye
The drive back from the doctors place was rather smooth compared to the early morning traffic. Jen had Don’t use contractions. Use the full word – doctor’s left the house around 7am to be at the doctor’s place by 8.30am, she had received the call from the doctor’s office last night to come in urgently for a discussion on the recent tests that she had. She was sure that it was galls stones or something to that effect, a minor surgery and then she will be okay. Planning the last minute details before taking time off from work was something she was thinking of when she was driving in but now her mind was BLANK, could not think of anything at all. She stopped at the mall , about a mile from her house . Beautiful lilac flowers were all around the shopping mall where the furniture store and the movie theatre stood. She had always admired those flowers. They planted those plants every year , or they were indeed perennials like her colleague had alwaysargued.
How do I tell them that I have very little time, she thought. Maybe the doctor was wrong, how can she be sure?She is not god. Whatever will be will be.She took a deep breath and lay down on the seat.Her hands clutched her stomach warmly just like she used to do when Allison was growing in there. How can it now house a cancerous tumor which has already spread its angry fingers all over her body? A cough jumped out of her throat which shook her whole body, it must just be a cold and cough. Maybe the results are wrong, or her file was switched with someone else’s like she had seen in Oprah’s show. Why did the doctor say that she cannot do anything, there must be something they can do.
The parking lot was getting busy, how can these people spend all their time in their mall? don’t these people work? I better call the office and tell them that I am going to be late.
She dialed her work number and spoke to her friend and boss, Kelly. She sounded bubbly on the phone.“ “Is everything okay Jen, what did the doctor say?”
“ Oh, nothing much, they may want me to go through more tests.”
“ So they couldn’t confirm anything, it must be something you ate, Believe me, I told you to stay away from that Lebanese place.”
It must be that .Listen Kel, I will be late today.
“It is okay, or if you want take the day off. You haven’t taken a day off in ages, maybe you may want to go get a “mani-pedi”
“Okay, let me do that, will see ya tomorrow okay”.
“Okay, say Hi to Allison.”
Her red Mazda continued to be parked at the parking lot. People walked by , some staring in, some with heavy bags, some dragging big boxes around. A mother was having a tough time with her toddler who probably started fighting for something he wanted, Allison did a lot of that too. Lilac flowers wrestled in the wind, May be I should ask to have these flowers for the funeral, but who would plan the funeral, Maybe I should connect with Tom again? Maybe he will be the parent that he never was, until now. Allison will need help, she is only 14 for God’s sake. How will she manage?
When Jen reached home the unwashed dishes and messy rooms did not bother her. She went to Allison’s room and sat down, pictures of movie stars and boy bands were stuck all over. A smile escaped Jen’s lips when she saw the picture of Ken Oreilly in the Nancy Drew book which was kept upside down on the 45th page. Allison had had a crush on Ken since she was in second grade; she never grew out of it. That picture was probably taken at the school talent show.
Oh Allison, I may not be around to see you marry. I won’t be there to pick up your bridal dress. Who will you take with you to pick the dress? You always wanted second opinions on everything. I won’t be around to cheer you when you board the space shuttle to discover other planets. I had promised to talk to you from earth when you are up there.
Maybe I should get a second opinion . But the specialist was supposed to be the best in her field and she seemed sure about the diagnosis. She must have told many people before her that they had less than three months to live, but it did feel like her feelings were genuine when she said the big “sorry” when Jen walked into her room. The doctor had told her that she can always connect her with another specialist for a second opinion. Should she??
Jen walked around and opened the big window. The leaves on the Oak tree outside was swaying lightly in the wind. She sat on Allison’s bed, the big Winnie the Pooh blanket was folded nicely over the pillow with Hannah Montana covers. Jen had bought the Pooh blanket at Walmart when she was seven months pregnant with Allison, it was Allison’s comfort blanket. Jen picked the blanket and hugged it tightly.
Sorry for everything, sorry for the things that I did not do, sorry for the times that I yelled at little Allison, sorry for the time that I did not pick her up because I was too busy, for not trying harder with Tom, for not making it to the recitals and assemblies at school. Well sorry does not cut it, does it. I don’t have the time,

“Mom, Mom, how did your appointment go this morning?”
Jen was not aware that she had fallen asleep on Allison’s bed.
Her confused eyes took time to focus, she looked at her young daughter with sandy brown hair and purple eye glasses. She was wearing a tight white blouse with black capris. My little girl.
Jen hugged Allison tight and she tried to escape from her bear hug.
Allison giggled and asked, “What happened? Are you okay?”
“Should there be something wrong for me to hug you? I love you Allison.”
Her “ I love you” was not the usual quick I love you which was always said as an after thought, it was not said when they were looking away from each other. Jen looked into Allison’s big brown eyes and admired her long eye lashes. She will be a beauty when she comes out of this age of pimples and roller coaster hormone rides. My little girl, be strong.
“ What are we having for dinner today , Mom?”
“Let us go out to eat today.”
“Oh, no I have lots of home work, Have to work on a science project.”
“Well we can make it back in time. Please let’s go.”
“Okay, let me have a shower and I will be down soon.”
Jen’s coughing spell reminded her, “Oh Mom, you never told me what the doctor told you.”
“We will talk at the restaurant”
Allison had an intrigued look on her face, but she did not linger on and walked to the bathroom.
Jen had never lied to her daughter,not even when she had asked how babies are made when Allison was seven. Jen was sure that all the scientific details of making babies had turned Allison off, for she had never asked that question ever again.
She was always a precocious little girl and could pick up on lies very easily
What do I tell her, How will I tell her. Will she be okay??
Jen took her time to shower. She looked at her naked body and her stomach. She imagined the ugly tumor eating her away. Maybe it is laughing. How long had it been there? How long has it been that her periods have been irregular. How long has she been feeling weak? Can’t remember. The life of a single mom is not easy. She had not really dated since Tom left over eight years ago. Why, the European Leonard was nice. I could have given him a chance. But she thought Allison did not like anyone else in her dad’s place.
“Come on mom. Let’s go. I have to come back and do my project.”
Allison wanted to drive her Mazda out of the driveway and today Jen said no, She needs to wait another couple of years before she can get her licence but she had been allowing Allison to back the car slowly out of the driveway. Her typical teenage pout came out when Jen said and emphatic “NO!”
“Where are we going?”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I feel like eating Mexican today. Let’s go to that place near the theatre.”
Jen agreed readily as she didn’t really care where she went, she wasn’t hungry to start with.

The restaurant was thankfully not crowded today, well it is a week day
She went to the corner table with Allison. She was not feeling hungry at all and hence opted for a soup. Allison ordered a big plate of fajitas and salad and she seemed to be enjoying her meal. Jen wanted her to finish her meal before telling her. She has to tell her. Allison is too smart to not know. I will be insulting her intelligence if I don’t. But how will I?
“Mom you are not eating at all. You have been picking on your meals all the time. But hey, you have been losing weight. Good for you.”
The peas in her soup seemed to be making mocking faces. The carrots danced around supporting the peas and prodding on the celery. She pushed the soup bowl to the side.
Jen took her daughter’s hand and played with her elastic bracelet for a little bit.
“ Allison, The doctor was not too happy with the tests. She thinks that I am dying”
Jen felt all shaky when she saw Allison staring at her with tears welling up. She kept the fork down from her other hand and asked, “What do you mean?”
“ I have cancer and it has already spread all over and I was told that there is nothing they can do.”
“But you have been doing so well , except for the cough. That’s not true, that’s just not true.” Allison’s moaned
“Allison, I am so, so sorry.”
Big tears rolled out of her eyes.
Jen kept mumbling “I am so sorry baby”.
Allison’s fajita waited for a while and then the chirpy waitress took it away. They both said no to desserts and looked out through the window. The sun was setting in the horizon. The day was ending once again. The sun will probably rise again tomorrow, which is another ordinary miracle as the song says.
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